The P.O.S.H. Life (Pursuit of Strength & Health)

So you got her to go out with you and you are genuinely interested. How do you keep her attention and hungry for more? I found a great article at MyBrotha.com which can give you a few tips. (I can't spit my own knowledge everyday..gotta work!)

A lot of women don't mind the suave words and phrases you may use. Some may even be flattered by those words. But it takes more than a few chessy lines to keep her from wavering. Even more important, how do you handle getting her attention and keeping it for longer than a single day? The answers can be both complex and simple at the same time.

Now before you settle on using lame pickup lines that were probably worthless during your high school days, consider the fact that most women have been exposed to the game for a lot longer than they care to mention. There aren't many pickup lines women haven't heard before. If you want to reap the benefits of meeting and keeping a quality woman, try some of these techniques and take note of the differences in these -- and the ones you may currently use.


Track Star
Women love attention. But most do not wish to be feverishly chased into a corner where they feel trapped or smothered. There is a fine line between showing a woman an adequate amount of attention, and dishing out more than she can handle. Attention isn't some substance she can peel off in chunks and use for a later date. The amount you show her at any given moment should be calculated with care. After all, you're in this for a reason, right?

So stop running so fast. Those old clichés about "chasing the woman" and using the, "full-court press", are out-dated and overrated. Besides, men can never keep up with those reputations and this will be painfully evident soon after a woman accepts the invites and the chase settles down a bit.

Low-level Contact
For some reason, there is no in-between for guys. We either don't call the women we claim to be interested in, or we give new meaning to the term, "hotline". Phone calling should be kept to a minimum. That's right. Totally opposite from the traditional phone-blasts many men present, women look for sincere phone calls that show desire and thoughtfulness. Besides that, you have to remain somewhat of a challenge. If a woman expects you to call too often, you need to do exactly the opposite.

These phone calls or emails don't have to be 5-hour marathons, or 4-page soliloquies. Two quality phone calls during the week, is 99-times better than ten sorry ones over two days.

High-level Reception
Men are notorius for being the aggressors, and disappearing like ghosts when women try to reach them. While most women won't pursue men indefinitely, many will initiate telephone calls or emails if their interests have been piqued. The result should be a man who is available to answer those calls or messages from time to time. This means, if you are an extremely difficult person to get a hold of at any point in time, her attention-meter begins to swing towards the negative numbers. (In these instances, negative numbers are not good!)

In other words, be available. One of the first negative characteristics women tag to a man's persona, is his ability to show up. Of course, you don't have to be in every spot she expects to find you, but the harder it is for her to reach you, the easier it is for her to stop trying.

Support her Goals
It's not all about you. The sooner you learn this, the better. Your goal here is to be known as a man who listens and shows affectionate attention without being asked or coerced.

We're living during the times of the independent sista, so most women you meet will already have goals, aspirations, and dreams to strive for. Some may already be in the midst of realizing those dreams, and how you handle the reception of those dreams, is important for the future.

If you don't understand her desire to collect stamps, or open a Shetland pony farm, show an interest in the fact that she has dreams, even if you don't like what she's dreaming about.

Don't Do Anything
You got it. Meet with her, sit with her, stand at the counter in McDonald's with her, and do absolutely nothing. There's no need to go overboard in the impression department. There is nothing wrong with pointing out your talents every now and then, but don't worry about making earth-shattering revelations, or solving the world's problems when you meet.

Just be yourself enjoy the quality moments you have. There will be plenty of time to shine if you have her attention.
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Let me be the first to say, let the words of my mouth, be acceptable to thy sight. I had to say that because I ‘m getting ready to go to church like Choir Boy from “The Five Heartbeats.” My brothers of color, we exist in the perfect time and season to actually meet a woman of quality and substance. I don’t know if you know this, but we are currently in a period of economic distress. The job market is so horrific, it reminds me of the set of Good Times (ain’t we lucky we got em, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom). You would think that this hardship will bring out some of the women we know as gold diggers. Wrong. There is no gold even for them to dig. A person might be in a house, but he might be one month away from foreclosure or sitting on a sub prime mortgage. Suddenly New Edition’s,” Can You Stand the Rain” is like the Gospel now.

Despite my commentary, now is the time to really meet someone quality. The way things are with the economy, employment, and the environment, people are forced to do things that don’t cost a lot of money and actually requires conversation as part of the date. This beats stuffing chardonnay and surf and turf in your mouth. Grant it some folk’s ain’t gonna make it. Some of our female counterparts have champagne taste, but Kool-Aid salary. Also some people do not know how to operate in the down economy. They were so used to just spending money and not having to worry about anything. Alas, now everyone has to be creative.

This is the primetime for a cheap brother with an imagination to “come up.” If you’re that dude, then my brother, suddenly you’re “romantic.” I mean anybody who can cook right now is a hot commodity. I got the oven if you got the coupons!

Sidebar: Here is what I wonder. Why haven’t we seen the resurgence of the house party? I mean people are broke and still trying to VIP it all over the town. That is a wrap for me. The only bottle service I’m trying to get is at the “batcave.” Then again, if everybody is caught up in sub prime mortgage crisis, there are no houses to host parties. Forget Facebook! We need a house party network!

Okay I’m back. So to bring quality women into your life, I offer these things.

• Does she do the little things?

Actions speak louder than words. Does she surprise you with your favorite ice cream or candy? What about buying you little thoughtful gifts? Grant it she may be I-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t, but she should also know r-e-c-i-p-r-o-c-i-t-y.

If you see yourself putting more into the relationship than you're getting out of it, it's time to ask yourself some serious questions.

• Complete personality

Look to see if she's sincere, honest, reliable, responsible and relentless. The more of these qualities your woman has, the smaller the chances of her being the next contestant for the “I used to know her” list. But if your woman lacks any of these characteristics, then…to the left, to the left.

Remember gentlemen, the word for the rest of 2008 is “quality.” Let me know your success stories.
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I stumbled on a rumored report that Keyshia Cole asked Young Jeezy to marry her and Jeezy declined. He cited the reason for his denial was his focus on his career and making money. I have heard from a few guys that women need to step up and get their holler game together since this is no longer 1950 (this is an entirely different post for another day). Keyshia took it one step further by proposing to her boo. (I don't know if I could take it that far).

It seems to me that Black couples are the first to site career goals and timing as the reason why we can't settle down. It has been my experience that other nationalities are interested in building with each other. They will start off with $100 and a dream while we can't marry until our paper is right. Are we missing out on great opportunities?


I began to wonder what are the reasons why a man won't commit to marrying a woman. If they have been dating for a long time, why do people waste time. If they aren't marriage material why are you seriously dating them. I found this Article at Black Voices a few days ago which cites a few reasons why men won't commit to marriage.



10. Options (other women) - With so many women out there, sometimes it can be difficult to settle down. Like much of the world, women outnumber men and in the black community, the disparity is even more pronounced. Sometimes guys just want to "sow their wild oats."

9. Financial issues - Money can play a large role in a relationship as two people start sharing their income. When you realize that the girl of your dreams can't keep a hold of her pocket book and she's dragging you down in the process, it becomes hard to imagine a future together.

8. The family from hell - When expectations don't mesh between the man and the woman's family, sparks can fly creating disastrous situations.

7. Insecurity/trust - Sometimes relationships can have trust issues and it makes it impossible to whole-heartedly be with someone, knowing the may lie or have cheated. The idea of his future wife with someone else can haunt a man.

6. Change in lifestyle- There are certain guys who don't want to get married simply because they like their care-free lifestyle. They don't want to compromise, they avoid responsibility and they cling to their personal space. For these men, a woman has to be pretty convincing in order to change their ways

5. She already has kids - For some men, when a woman has children already, there may be a feeling that the they will never be his. They may turn away from raising another man's offspring for the sheer fact that she still has that connection to the children's father.

4. Geography -She may want to live in one area while he wants to live in another. He may get a job out of town that could be full of possibilities and she may be on the fast track in her own field. Simple things like geography can be a relationship killer for men when compromise is out of the question.

3. Social class or status - Your girl may have more money than you. Plain and simple, it can be difficult for some men to maintain relationships knowing that they aren't the primary breadwinners. This can create insecurity and actually work to emasculate some men as they may be constantly reminded by their situation or even their girl that she does in fact make more than him.

2. They may not be the right person - A relationship can sputter and yet reluctantly continue despite a bevy of problems and when the idea of marriage comes up, those flaws may become painfully apparent.

1. Divorce/Parents Never Married - Children learn what they see and if they have no role models to emulate, or if their parents weren't married, it may not be normal to them. Some men may have seen their parents go through a nasty divorce and consciously or unconsciously may fear marriage and the pain it may cause.

Thoughts? Comments?

Ladies what has been your experience?

Fellas got any more thoughts or want to add to the discussion?

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So, I am a little late..blah blah. I just read that Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith's marriage of 11 years is "open" what the hell does that mean? Since when did a marriage become a DMV line. "Now servicing customer 69".



Will Smith recently reported he and Jada "talk" about having sex with other people. He reports "Our perspective is, you don't avoid what's natural and you're going to be attracted to people. "And if it came down to it, then one would say to the other: 'Look, I need to have sex with somebody. Now, I'm not going to if you don't approve of it'."

Smith suggested that his marriage would survive a permitted affair because of his and wife Jada's honesty. 'In our marriage vows, we didn't say "forsaking all others". We said, "You will never hear I did something afterwards". Because if that happens, the relationship is destroyed.'
But Will's not sure what he'd do if one day Jada, 38, confides that she does want to take a lover.‘I don’t know how I’d feel,’ he confesses. ‘But I know I would react better than if I found out about it afterwards.’

I was blown away by this article and it seems that the Smiths have found an easy way to cheat on each other. What happened to marriage vows. I didn't pledge to love you , Andre, Scott, and Jamal.

I was also listening to a radio program tonight. The question was is a man/woman still a good man/woman if they are a cheater? Woman after woman called in and said they had good men because they paid bills and took care of children and infidelity could be forgiven. I almost threw my radio while listening to these comments. This seemed to me just like what Jada is allowing in her relationship.

Not one man who called in during the show stated they would be able to tolerate a cheating woman. Will is giving all these scenarios about how he likes his open relationship. When provided with the same prospect he, like the men on the radio show, got to stuttering and sputtering.

How is the black family going to survive when notable figures endorse cheating like an underwear ad? If Will and Jada can do it...it must be right. Grow up folks, cheatin is cheatin whether you are dating or married. If you cheat you don't respect the person you claim to love. If you need to cheat, doesn't this mean you were never compatible in the first place?

Why is it that a man can't forgive cheatin or but women allow it b/c the man is a provider. Isn't that an oxymoron? I call bullsh*t.

Men what do you think?

Ladies chime in.

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Al Green asked a great question, “How can you mend a broken heart?” In reality…you really can’t, you simply adjust. As we exist in the heart of summer, I am hearing tales of my fellow brothers getting the pink slip in the realm of dating and relationships. The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in the areas of comfort of convenience, but how well he can handle a break up.

There are many articles out there about what to do when the woman you thought was Ms. Right breaks your heart, with standard advice like get up off your feet, meet new people ... The truth is that a breakup is often a painful and dreadful experience. It’s the pain that has no name. There is no easy solution because the only remedy is time.

In my lifetime I've seen too many examples of perfectly rational men losing their minds when their girlfriends, boos, or significant other leave them simply because they feel they don't have control over their lives anymore.

When a woman drops the pink slip on you, it is really over. You may feel the need to panic and beg for her back. Maybe you’ll do anything to make things right. But no matter how you try, you can't get her back or get back to the way things used to be. Getting the woman of your past out of your present is a mental and emotional challenge of the first order.

As men we get stuck in limbo with the idea that there might be a chance of getting back together with the ex. The result of such a belief is a double-edged rejection sword. First comes the initial sting originating from the breakup itself; then comes the heartbreaking hope that she will return; then finally the eventual realization that she is gone for good.

All this pain could be kept short and sweet if we learn to accept the decision made by your ex. By waiting around and hoping, any man is trapping himself in an endless circle of torture.

There's only one thing left for you to do: Forget her. I know it's not as easy as it sounds, but with these five things, you'll forget her and pick up the pieces of your shattered heart -- and manhood -- in no time.

1- Get closure

It's essential to definitively end any hopes of reconciliation between the two of you. And if you can't get that into your head, she owes you the courtesy of it crystal clear. She needs to tell you: "I never loved you. I don't love you now. We'll never get back together." After some prodding, she'll probably do it, just to get rid of you. It provides what therapists call "closure." And you can begin to heal.

2- Silence is Golden

After the relationship reaches finality, you have to break off contact or you will go mad. Don't beg or cry. Don't drunk-dial. Don't write her an e-mail. Don’t show up at her house or apartment. Don’t text her. Don't send flowers. Don't send letters or cards. Don't jump to answer her e-mail or phone calls. And definitely don't go out of your way for her. She no longer deserves preferential treatment.

She will find you if she wants to. And even if you can talk your way back into her arms, it's only a temporary reprieve. She already knows you want her back, and she doesn't care. Take that as a sign. She will try to text you or maybe Gchat you to start small talk. It’s a trap. As soon as you engage in a conversation, rest assured that she will try her best to end the conversation quickly and swift.

If you feel for the sake of sanity it is wise to send her a letter. Keep it short, simple, and sweet. Feel free to use the following template.

Dear (Insert Name),

I write this letter to thank you for all that you have been to me. I thank you for all that you have been in my life and for the many ways you have served and supported me. We have had many great times together and it is apparent that this relationship no longer serves us and what we desire. Good luck with your future endeavors. Take care.

3- Avoid her friends & the places she hangs

Women are very territorial. If I’m lying then I’m flying. Don't venture into her territory. You won't be welcome. Find new places to hang out and make new friends, if necessary. If any of your friends insist on maintaining contact with her, you may have to shut them out, too -- at least temporarily. After some time has passed, you should go back to living normally, and that means hanging out at these places and reconnecting with mutual friends.

4- Hang out with the fellas

It’s a part of life. A little bit of male camaraderie can go a long way towards getting your head straight. This is your saving grace. Back in the day, the men used to sit around the house, pop in the old school songs, and laugh, joke, and talk about the mysteries of life and bad relationships.

5- File thirteen anything that reminds you of her

You don't have to burn it all, but definitely get pictures, gifts, clothing, letters, and e-mail out your line of vision. Save your sanity. If you find it difficult, this means that you can't let go and you're still hoping for her to return to you. Guess what my brother…she’s not returning. Believe me, once you meet another woman, all those pictures of your ex will become meaningless. Invest in a Sony Playstation 3, secure a personal trainer, and start drafting plans for Operation: Swagger Back.

Disclosure: All jokes aside, relationships end for various and different reasons. When it’s over, just remember to have a sense of dignity, don’t do anything crazy, and allow your mind, soul, and body to heal.

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CocoaDiva here. I was just pondering on love and relationships and thought of the Cinderella syndrome. Why is it we as women are always waiting on our white knight to show up, make our lives complete, and sweep US off our feet. We always think we have found "the one" and a year or several years later we realize we just had magic dust in our eyes. Why are we so afraid of taking charge of our own relationships?

There is no such thing as the Prince Charming complex. Men aren't sitting around waiting for that right one, being patient, faithful, and dilligent. They are out in the streets with wives, girlfriends, and others. Why is there no complex like this for men? Men get to sow oats while we get to sit at home and wait for the oats to make oatmeal.

I was at a book club meeting this weekend and I posed the question when does a man realize that he has found that ONE aka "Princess Charming"? Why is it that men proclaim they have found her but then cheat on her, abuse her, or neglect her. I especially can't understand the cheat on portion. When is ONE woman enough to satisfy a man's needs?

Why is it in our society committment has become a dirty word? Why is there that half of all marriages end in divorce statistics? Were our mothers less afraid of meeting disaster in marriage. Why do we have to worry about the down-low brother?

Does a man ever get permanently swept off his feet in a magical Cinderalla moment?
Is there such thing as a down-low sistah that men have to worry about? On that note what are the male pit-falls to modern dating?

Speak now if your tired of kissing frogs. (Or men if you have your answer). Read More......

Hello All: Below please find a timely article that ladies should consider when thinking about mate selection. Often times, we have this long laundry list of what a man "should have" in order to be compatible. As we grow older, we should tear our lists up and get back down to the basics. There are many good men around us ladies. We just need to throw our lists out the window. Lets not lose the forest for the trees. Please let P.O.S.H. know your thoughts on this topic.

An Ideal Husband by: Maureen Dowd

This weekend, we celebrate our great American pastime: messy celebrity divorces.
There’s the Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook fireworks on Long Island and the Madonna/Guy Ritchie/A-Rod Roman candle in New York.

So how do you avoid a relationship where you end up saying, “The man who I was living with, I just didn’t know who he was” — as Brinkley did in court when talking about her husband’s $3,000-a-month Internet porn and swinger site habit? (Not to mention the 18-year-old mistress/assistant.)

Father Pat Connor, a 79-year-old Catholic priest born in Australia and based in Bordentown, N.J., has spent his celibate life — including nine years as a missionary in India — mulling connubial bliss. His decades of marriage counseling led him to distill some “mostly common sense” advice about how to dodge mates who would maul your happiness.

“Hollywood says you can be deeply in love with someone and then your marriage will work,” the twinkly eyed, white-haired priest says. “But you can be deeply in love with someone to whom you cannot be successfully married.”

For 40 years, he has been giving a lecture — “Whom Not to Marry” — to high school seniors, mostly girls because they’re more interested.

“It’s important to do it before they fall seriously in love, because then it will be too late,” he explains. “Infatuation trumps judgment.”

I asked him to summarize his talk:
“Never marry a man who has no friends,” he starts. “This usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands. I am always amazed at the number of men I have counseled who have no friends. Since, as the Hebrew Scriptures say, ‘Iron shapes iron and friend shapes friend,’ what are his friends like? What do your friends and family members think of him? Sometimes, your friends can’t render an impartial judgment because they are envious that you are beating them in the race to the altar. Envy beclouds judgment.

“Does he use money responsibly? Is he stingy? Most marriages that founder do so because of money — she’s thrifty, he’s on his 10th credit card.

“Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours. It’s good to have a doormat in the home, but not if it’s your husband.

“Is he overly attached to his mother and her mythical apron strings? When he wants to make a decision, say, about where you should go on your honeymoon, he doesn’t consult you, he consults his mother. (I’ve known cases where the mother accompanies the couple on their honeymoon!)

“Does he have a sense of humor? That covers a multitude of sins. My mother was once asked how she managed to live harmoniously with three men — my father, brother and me. Her answer, delivered with awesome arrogance, was: ‘You simply operate on the assumption that no man matures after the age of 11.’ My father fell about laughing.

“A therapist friend insists that ‘more marriages are killed by silence than by violence.’ The strong, silent type can be charming but ultimately destructive. That world-class misogynist, Paul of Tarsus, got it right when he said, ‘In all your dealings with one another, speak the truth to one another in love that you may grow up.’

“Don’t marry a problem character thinking you will change him. He’s a heavy drinker, or some other kind of addict, but if he marries a good woman, he’ll settle down. People are the same after marriage as before, only more so.

“Take a good, unsentimental look at his family — you’ll learn a lot about him and his attitude towards women. Kay made a monstrous mistake marrying Michael Corleone! Is there a history of divorce in the family? An atmosphere of racism, sexism or prejudice in his home? Are his goals and deepest beliefs worthy and similar to yours? I remember counseling a pious Catholic woman that it might not be prudent to marry a pious Muslim, whose attitude about women was very different. Love trumped prudence; the annulment process was instigated by her six months later.

“Imagine a religious fundamentalist married to an agnostic. One would have to pray that the fundamentalist doesn’t open the Bible and hit the page in which Abraham is willing to obey God and slit his son’s throat.

“Finally: Does he possess those character traits that add up to a good human being — the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous? Or is he inclined to be a fibber, to fits of rage, to be a control freak, to be envious of you, to be secretive?

“After I regale a group with this talk, the despairing cry goes up: ‘But you’ve eliminated everyone!’ Life is unfair.”

As seen in the New York Times http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/06/opinion/06dowd.html?_r=1&ref=opinion&oref=slogin

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On a perfect day, I know that I can count on you.

What can I say...I'm a romantic. Shocking isn’t it. This past weekend, I was sitting out on my balcony when I started thinking about those wonderful, soul, love songs that captured the essence of black love. I loaded a couple of those songs on my computer and I started listening to them while the rain was falling. I had Jeffrey Osborne, Teddy Pendergrass, the Isley Brothers, Patti Labelle, and Marvin Gaye, etc. I also had this ballad by New Edition about a relationship presently going well, but the man is asking the woman if he can count on her to remain by his side should things ever become stormy.

Well guess what, the storm is here. The plight of single black women has received widespread attention in recent years. In Newsweek, Essence, and Ebony one can find countless articles regarding this issue. Even The Washington Post used its “Outlook” section with the headline “Marriage is for White People.” In fact when you bring up discussions or documentaries about modern day African American culture, rest assured the topic of being single will be present. Personally, these storms rain depressing news articles, reports, and statistics.

Black Love for the most part is not dead. I believe this to be true because thinking of it any other way means that I’ve given up. I'm going to be completely honest with you. Several women of color in my dating lifetime have done me wrong. While I won't call out any names, I believe life is too short to have the “Bitter Black Man Syndrome.” Grant it I did my fair share, but hey…why bring up old business. For some reason bad relationships can leave people seething, pessimistic, and sour on love. Well, not me. I love black women and relationships like red kool-aid.

Black love is not dead. It’s just on vacation. It’s on a cruise somewhere in the Caribbean or maybe on an impromptu trip to Miami.

Black love is not dead. It’s at home. It’s having house parties in Brooklyn, picnics in Centennial Park, and maybe an evening stroll around Buckingham Fountain.

Sunny days, everybody loves them.

I’m reminded of my younger years when I used to watch the Cosby Show. The relationship between Clair and Cliff seemed so genuine in nature. They slept; fought and made up with each other in such a way that you knew fit them together.

As I got older I found myself enjoying the Cosby Show’s spin-off, A Different World. Although the show had many couples who emulated Black Love, none could compare to the chemistry of Dwayne Wayne and Whitley Gilbert. The two knew each other since the show’s beginning but never truly became the romantic stuff of legend until the third season when they both played a game of cat and mouse. Ah….the chase. We live so much in a microwave society that we really don’t have time for the chase anymore. And who could forget the moment when Dwayne declared his love for Whitney (and she as well) on her wedding day.

I remember it like it was yesterday. The date was Thursday, May 14, 1992, and the world witnessed a memorable day in television history. Dwayne Wayne shows up in the middle of the wedding ceremony of Byron and Whitley, and Ron tries to convince him to break up the wedding. During her wedding vows, Whitley freezes up as she sees Dwayne's face everywhere. When she refuses to respond for over a minute, Dwayne realizes that she is far from certain about marrying Byron. He suddenly jumps up and charges down the aisle, pleading with her to marry him. Whitley accepts Dwayne's proposal and runs into his arms. Byron and his family are disgusted, but leave peacefully. The minister marries Dwayne and Whitley. Whitley mom faints. Dwayne carries Whitley down the aisle, with their ecstatic friends bounding after them. And the world was peace. Priceless!

I was getting a bit worried that our Dewayne and Whitley moments were being replaced with Flavor of Love coonery. However, Black love has a way of popping up through ‘fist bumps” when it’s time to get presidential.

Stevie Wonder said it best, “If it’s magic…why can it be everlasting.” And that’s what black love is…not dead…it’s everlasting.

This we know for sure.

http://digg.com/submit?http://poshlifeposhstyle.blogspot.com/2008/07/can-you-stand-rain-is-black-love-dead.html&title=Is Black Love Dead Part Three

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Gentlemen, you're single – a man of color, educated, a bachelor, committed to no one in particular, able to party like Shawn Carter and sleep until noon with no one underfoot to tell you to do otherwise. It's a great life, and why shouldn't it be?

Still, that question keeps popping into your head: Should I settle down? Should I ransom my freedom? Should I embark on the great search for my soul mate and willingly kiss my single days goodbye forever?

When it comes to dating, romance or relationships, I get a rash. Maybe not the kind that requires topical ointment and a shot, but my mood definitely clouds over. I'll cop to being a skeptic, but a hardened cynic? Hardly. It's just that I've witnessed far too many relationships pander to the lowest common denominator. Relationship discussions about Black Love nowadays drip with mawkish sentimentalism, blatant manipulation and unrealistic circumstances.

Mama told me one day it was gonna happen, But she never told me when.

Just thinking about Black Love leaves me even more depleted and world weary. Honestly, I’m tired. Tired of hearing negative reports on black men in America and not knowing whether they're true. We are the most analyzed probed, prodded, under-studied, over-studied group ever.

What exactly is the definition of black love? Does it mean that if a person is a certan skin color, he or she will love differently? To me love is love. Love sees no color; I would have to agree with that. But it's not stupid either; and knows color exist. I believe in black love. It's deep and sometimes uplifting. It's joy and pain. It's anger, fear, and even confusion. Sometimes it can be just plain funny. It's the total human experience. It's life.

What ever happened to black love? Unfortunately 'Black Love' is nearly non-existent with this generation. If it's not dead, then it's on life support.

She told me it would happen when I was much older. Wish it would’ve happened then.

In the Washington area, there are 83 single black men for every 100 single black women. This ratio is very similar to Atlanta. For eligible black men, that equation can look like a dating smorgasbord, with seemingly limitless choices, and not just among black women. So what do men of color want? We want hassle free and haggle free dating!

Sure I can place a spotlight on black female behavior, as it relates to poor choices in men (ie: thugs, ballers, drug dealers) they make for themselves while overlooking black men who are honest, hardworking, and intelligent. Interesting enough, these are the same black females that constantly scream, "Where are all the good black men?" Guess what…we're here, and in great numbers.

But I guess that is what helped caused the death of black love. Maybe…just maybe…we got greedy with the ratio. We took advantage of a situation that works so well in our favor that it’s almost like the perfect dream. I mean we are so cocky with this, that we now wear shades at night, sport the bluetooth everywhere, and feel that women should actually pay for the date.

The bad black men of this world have been put on a pedestal by far too many black women. Good black men have no hope or support as long as black women favor the lowest level of the black male species. Oh how I envy the brothers that can drive a sister car all day, using up all her gas, and not refill it. What I wouldn’t give to be like the men who never open car doors, walk on the wrong side of the street, never send flowers, give back to the community, or even cook. Please God…send me more women that will allow me to do that!

But who cares these days. It’s almost over for Black Love. It’s as dead as the jherri curl.

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Well gentlemen, we now live in a world where women of color enjoy life in the fast lane, juggling a high flying career and sporting an exciting social life, distancing themselves from the traditionally domestic stereotype. These days’ young career women are more concerned with mixing cocktails, heating up ready meals and cooking sauces from a jar.

In other words, women have stopped cooking. Pretty harsh? Sure. Welcome to the 21^st century. Now we can engage in deep debate with our fellow members of the opposite sex and discuss why it would be great to have a woman who cooks. But why waste your brain power? It’s a wrap. Debate over. The African American mentality that a woman has to cook is outdated. I would rather be with a caring and compatible person than a perfect cook. Times have changed and frankly, women don't have the time to cook anymore

Let me propose to you that we start a silent revolution and encourage our fellow brothers in the struggle to …cook. Now before my email account is blown up with (wtf’s) in my inbox, hear me on this important issue.

To be portrayed as an eligible bachelor, we need a well-rounded image and a sense of depth. Yeah we can score huge points with a woman as it is simply seen as sexy for a man to be able to cook. But that’s not why we need to cook. Okay I’m lying…that is part of the reason. However I discovered a true passion for food and truly have become more competent in the kitchen than some of my female colleagues and associates. As men we have to get out of the negative thinking on what makes a man a “real man.”

I enjoy cooking. The whole process of cutting, chopping, measuring, timing, etc., is very relaxing to me for some reason, and it calms me down after a busy day. I can't think of a more satisfying thing than to spend an hour or more preparing a meal that takes about 15 minutes to enjoy or 4 minutes to devour. I've been a bachelor for years in the sense that I've lived alone and I've always loved this wonderful the art of cooking.

Sure prepared meals at your local Whole Foods is a blessing but cooking your own meal... putting in all that time to get it just right... it's priceless. But as men, we should also be able to cook, even if the only one expected for dinner is the entity known as "me, myself and I.”

The underlying factor to a successful meal is preparation. You have to make sure that everything that needs washing, chopping, peeling, slicing and dicing is done before you start cooking as this will prevent you from panicking and getting the timing wrong. Use different chopping boards for meat and vegetables and wash your hands after handling raw meat. If you have anything that needs defrosting, make sure you take it out of the freezer the night before. And lastly, wash up as you go along!

If you are a little hesitant about embarking on this area of your life because you feel that men who cook are not real men, take comfort in knowing that the “Real Man of Color” is a man who loves his family, adores his children, gives back to the community, enthrones the women in his life, cherishes his friends, and can cook.

I believe that men who cook nurture their self-respect and reinforce a proud sense of masculinity that has been lost over time. Through this proud sense of masculinity we are more likely to find that salvation over a plate of tantalizing food, cuisine that feeds our bodies, souls, spirits, and communities with a nutritional value that can neither be underestimated nor precisely measured.

Fin.

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Many writers who write for blogs such as Listen to Leon, Bougie Ballin' on a Budget, Sassy Women, Gak City, Diseducation, and here at P.O.S.H. are members of a group called Faraji Black Bougie Dating Advice (FBBDA). This is a group on Facebook started by Faraji Whalen. A graduate of Morehouse College, Faraji created this group as a way for young professional African Americans to discuss dating, relationships, and other issues. In less than a year, the group has grown to almost 600 members. I like to call FBBDA the Wikipedia and CNN of Black Bougie Dating.

So every Wednesday, yours truly will use the lessons and tools from FBBDA to help my fellow brothers in the struggle. Ok now that I have placed the shameless plug for FBBDA…let’s get down to business.

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination.

It is an area which we call…the Friend Zone. Do de do do, do de do do…..

The Friend Zone is a term used to describe a 'zone' a guy ends up with when a girl sees him as a 'friend' and nothing more. The reasoning behind this rant is to help “you” my fellow Man. Too many times I've seen my friends become nothing more than little pansies to some fine mocha complexion sista that consider him nothing but a 'friend'. Women are incredibly smart. In this world of dating, they have mastered, perfected, and come up with an ace up the sleeve that eliminates you from any possibility of being considered a candidate. While she is playing poker, you are playing Uno. While you are playing checkers, she’s playing chess.

Gentlemen, the Friend Zone leaves nice brothers dateless. Once you are in…you are never out. Allow me to introduce you to the “ace up the sleeve” that your fellow member of the opposite sex will play.

When you hear phrases like:

“I can talk to you about anything, “You‘re really a nice guy,” “You‘re like a brother to me,” “You‘re my best friend,” and “You understand me” …you are in the Friend Zone.

You finally get your thoughts together and work up the courage to ask her out and she tells you: “I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship,” “I like you too much to go out with you,” “I don’t want to risk losing what we have,” and so on…you are in the Friend Zone.

If she tells you all about her problems with men, asks you for advice about the men she’s attracted to, and tells you excitedly that she just met this really great guy…oh my brothers…you've been had. You've been took. You've been led astray, run amuck. You've been bamboozled. You've been placed into the thing as Faraji would say, "the dry arid post apocalyptic wasteland"...the Friend Zone.

Using my undergrad in Psychology and my soon to be MBA, allow me to explain how you…a man of color…get trapped in the Friend Zone.

She’s not attracted to you

Oh, sure, she finds you funny, charming, fun to be with -- but when a Maxwell cd is played…you are not in her cerebrum, cerebellum, or medulla. I don’t care what kind of car you may drive, wardrobe you can wear, there’s not a lot you can do about this, so don’t kid yourself. If she's just not into you, you have a choice to make: Either stay as her friend or withdraw like a gentlemen and seek out other pursuits.

You’re a doormat

She has relegated you to friend status because you’re way too nice, too accommodating and have the invisible word “welcome home” written on your face. She knows she can have you just by snapping her fingers. You follow her around like a moon-eyed puppy dog. You try to impress her. You think you can buy her attention with flowers, gifts and expensive meals. You are as soft as an ice cream cone from Dairy Queen, and she can’t wait to castrate you and make you her best girlfriend who’ll look after her pets while she goes running off for the weekend. You’re so caught up in the Matrix, you might as well add food and beverage sponsor to your resume.

Hello and welcome back to the Friend Zone my brother. If you have your Frequent Friend Zone card on hand, P.O.S.H. we'll be happy to stamp it for you before proceeding.

First and foremost, I understand and sympathize with the fact that maybe you were too passive, never had a shot, and acted too much like a sibling. These things happen, to some of us more than others, sure, but such is life.

Is there any way to escape the Friend Zone? It’s not easy, but not impossible. Allow me to explain your options.

Option One- Stay in the Friend Zone

Staying in the Friend Zone gives the impression that you're a mature human being, one willing to take the high road. And, should you find some way to get beyond your obsession, you may end up with a true and good friend. You may come to see this woman as a human and value their insights, their words, enjoy their trust and all the things a real friend has to offer. Yawn.

We know, deep down inside, that that's not going to happen. Because part of the job of being a friend is listening. In the Friend Zone, you'll have to listen to her problems. And her problems will, for some reason, always stem from the chaos and drama she's taking from the guy currently in the Boyfriend/Boo/Significant Other Zone. You, of course, can try to be a good friend, a good listener and help her out. Feel free to do so.

If you enjoy sleepless nights spent alone listening to the greatest hits of Boyz II Men thinking to yourself, “ We belong together, and you know that I’m right,” while alternating between abject depression, feelings of worthlessness and monstrous fits of jealous rage, knock yourself out. Who am I to judge?

Option Two-Leave

Walk across the Friend Zone, open up the door and, simply, leave. This would be the smart thing to do, but again, no pressure here. Sure, it might seem petty to just walk away. Maybe the object of your affection will be mystified, possibly a little hurt. But let me point out that your primary purpose in life shouldn't be to provide emotional support and affection for someone who has no intentions, of being with you. Ever.

Once you walk through that door, you will find a complete halt to emails, phone calls, GChats, text messaging and all the other things you might use to keep false hope, your biggest enemy in the dating game, alive.

And there you have it. Again, welcome to the Friend Zone. Stay as long as you like. Or leave. Those are your only choices. No matter what anyone says, you cannot leave the Friend Zone the way you came in. Stop acting like her puppy dog and don’t be so available. Be a challenge, not a doormat. Keep her off balance. Be unpredictable. Keep her guessing. Create value through scarcity.

Shakespeare said it best, “All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.”

As a man, you must know your exits.

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