So its Monday, and you knew I had to bring you the ignorance. Its dating week here at P.O.S.H. and I wanted to discuss how colorism affects your dating habits. It ain't 1953 and we are no longer riding at the back of the bus. However, many of us still subscribe to dating habits of the past.I wanted to get to the heart of dating patterns we find ourselves trapped in and why we claim there are no "quality/good" folks around for us to date. Do you limit your pool by color? Is it subconscious or is it a preference so deep rooted that you didn't even realize you were doing it? Are we excluding quality candidates based on ex slave mentalities? I saw this quote on Happy Nappy Head by Roy Innis and it really made me think.
“I was one of the pioneers of the concept of Black is Beautiful. That we must be proud of our African ancestry. Unfortunately, the demon of self-depreciation has been the most difficult demon for Black Americans of all complexions to expel. Darker skinned Blacks like KanyeWest have had an even harder time accepting Blackness in themselves and in others. I wonder how much we have gained psychologically, since the bad old days of the 60’s, in our appreciation of our Blackness.”
I will be the first to admit. I used to subscribe to the title of this post. All of my boyfriends or guys I was interested in were light bright, paper bag test passing, "good hair" having, get my mamma and grand mamma's stamp of approval dudes. My family is from Tennessee, where it was believed back in the day that the lighter you were the easier you fit into society and were desirable. Colorism appears to be tied to where you live in America. In the Southern and Western areas of the country, folks still subscribe to the "If your Light your Right" theory of dating. I was even told by a family member "Don't marry any dark-skinned man, we won't babysit your monkey children." Wow! I was appalled, and this was sometime around 2003...not 1923.
Many black women have stated preferences for dating only light-skin men. There is this conception that men of lighter complexions will be more successful in the workplace (which equals stability and providing for a family), and they will have "pretty" children which is tied to the myths about good and bad hair. A poll I found online stated that women had a preference for dating light skinned men. Discussion on the generally stated that women generally were raised not to date darker skinned men or chose them as husband material but darker skinned men were perceived as better lovers in bed. (Wow, we still are on the Mandingo principle in 2008???)
Men how about you? I have heard black professional men discuss only dating medium to light skinned women. Darker skinned women at times can be seen as undesirable in work, social, and economic settings. Dating light skinned women is even ingrained in popular media. When is the last time you saw a dark skinned video chick? Nearly every girl in a video can check the light-skinned, other, or questionable box. Kanye West is even quoted as saying “If it wasn’t for race mixing there’d be no video girls. Me and most of our friends like mutts a lot.
Yeah, in the hood they call ‘em mutts”.You all remember the "Light-Skinned Girl Party" which was to be held in Detroit and women perceived as light skinned would get in for $5. Black men even seem to stray away from or have a preference for dating women with lighter complexions as they will have long and straight hair. It appears that Black men are only slowly coming around to women rocking their natural hair texture.
I even caught a glimpse of online dating ads. Most people referred to themselves as light or dark skinned, not just black. You don't see other nationalities referring to themselves by color even though each ethnicity has their own color issues to deal with.
To come back full circle. Does colorism affect your dating preferences? Do you stick to one range of color on the Black spectrum? Are you missing out on good candidates because of a societal idea placed in your head by your environment or family?
If so, I think we all need to take a hard look at our preferences and be a little more equal opportunity. We don't work in the big house or the field anymore and while racism does exist, we shall overcome.
Comments?
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So you got her to go out with you and you are genuinely interested. How do you keep her attention and hungry for more? I found a great article at MyBrotha.com which can give you a few tips. (I can't spit my own knowledge everyday..gotta work!)
A lot of women don't mind the suave words and phrases you may use. Some may even be flattered by those words. But it takes more than a few chessy lines to keep her from wavering. Even more important, how do you handle getting her attention and keeping it for longer than a single day? The answers can be both complex and simple at the same time.
Now before you settle on using lame pickup lines that were probably worthless during your high school days, consider the fact that most women have been exposed to the game for a lot longer than they care to mention. There aren't many pickup lines women haven't heard before. If you want to reap the benefits of meeting and keeping a quality woman, try some of these techniques and take note of the differences in these -- and the ones you may currently use.
Track Star
Women love attention. But most do not wish to be feverishly chased into a corner where they feel trapped or smothered. There is a fine line between showing a woman an adequate amount of attention, and dishing out more than she can handle. Attention isn't some substance she can peel off in chunks and use for a later date. The amount you show her at any given moment should be calculated with care. After all, you're in this for a reason, right?
So stop running so fast. Those old clichés about "chasing the woman" and using the, "full-court press", are out-dated and overrated. Besides, men can never keep up with those reputations and this will be painfully evident soon after a woman accepts the invites and the chase settles down a bit.
Low-level Contact
For some reason, there is no in-between for guys. We either don't call the women we claim to be interested in, or we give new meaning to the term, "hotline". Phone calling should be kept to a minimum. That's right. Totally opposite from the traditional phone-blasts many men present, women look for sincere phone calls that show desire and thoughtfulness. Besides that, you have to remain somewhat of a challenge. If a woman expects you to call too often, you need to do exactly the opposite.
These phone calls or emails don't have to be 5-hour marathons, or 4-page soliloquies. Two quality phone calls during the week, is 99-times better than ten sorry ones over two days.
High-level Reception
Men are notorius for being the aggressors, and disappearing like ghosts when women try to reach them. While most women won't pursue men indefinitely, many will initiate telephone calls or emails if their interests have been piqued. The result should be a man who is available to answer those calls or messages from time to time. This means, if you are an extremely difficult person to get a hold of at any point in time, her attention-meter begins to swing towards the negative numbers. (In these instances, negative numbers are not good!)
In other words, be available. One of the first negative characteristics women tag to a man's persona, is his ability to show up. Of course, you don't have to be in every spot she expects to find you, but the harder it is for her to reach you, the easier it is for her to stop trying.
Support her Goals
It's not all about you. The sooner you learn this, the better. Your goal here is to be known as a man who listens and shows affectionate attention without being asked or coerced.
We're living during the times of the independent sista, so most women you meet will already have goals, aspirations, and dreams to strive for. Some may already be in the midst of realizing those dreams, and how you handle the reception of those dreams, is important for the future.
If you don't understand her desire to collect stamps, or open a Shetland pony farm, show an interest in the fact that she has dreams, even if you don't like what she's dreaming about.
Don't Do Anything
You got it. Meet with her, sit with her, stand at the counter in McDonald's with her, and do absolutely nothing. There's no need to go overboard in the impression department. There is nothing wrong with pointing out your talents every now and then, but don't worry about making earth-shattering revelations, or solving the world's problems when you meet.
Just be yourself enjoy the quality moments you have. There will be plenty of time to shine if you have her attention.
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