The P.O.S.H. Life (Pursuit of Strength & Health)

Many writers who write for blogs such as Listen to Leon, Bougie Ballin' on a Budget, Sassy Women, Gak City, Diseducation, and here at P.O.S.H. are members of a group called Faraji Black Bougie Dating Advice (FBBDA). This is a group on Facebook started by Faraji Whalen. A graduate of Morehouse College, Faraji created this group as a way for young professional African Americans to discuss dating, relationships, and other issues. In less than a year, the group has grown to almost 600 members. I like to call FBBDA the Wikipedia and CNN of Black Bougie Dating.

So every Wednesday, yours truly will use the lessons and tools from FBBDA to help my fellow brothers in the struggle. Ok now that I have placed the shameless plug for FBBDA…let’s get down to business.

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination.

It is an area which we call…the Friend Zone. Do de do do, do de do do…..

The Friend Zone is a term used to describe a 'zone' a guy ends up with when a girl sees him as a 'friend' and nothing more. The reasoning behind this rant is to help “you” my fellow Man. Too many times I've seen my friends become nothing more than little pansies to some fine mocha complexion sista that consider him nothing but a 'friend'. Women are incredibly smart. In this world of dating, they have mastered, perfected, and come up with an ace up the sleeve that eliminates you from any possibility of being considered a candidate. While she is playing poker, you are playing Uno. While you are playing checkers, she’s playing chess.

Gentlemen, the Friend Zone leaves nice brothers dateless. Once you are in…you are never out. Allow me to introduce you to the “ace up the sleeve” that your fellow member of the opposite sex will play.

When you hear phrases like:

“I can talk to you about anything, “You‘re really a nice guy,” “You‘re like a brother to me,” “You‘re my best friend,” and “You understand me” …you are in the Friend Zone.

You finally get your thoughts together and work up the courage to ask her out and she tells you: “I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship,” “I like you too much to go out with you,” “I don’t want to risk losing what we have,” and so on…you are in the Friend Zone.

If she tells you all about her problems with men, asks you for advice about the men she’s attracted to, and tells you excitedly that she just met this really great guy…oh my brothers…you've been had. You've been took. You've been led astray, run amuck. You've been bamboozled. You've been placed into the thing as Faraji would say, "the dry arid post apocalyptic wasteland"...the Friend Zone.

Using my undergrad in Psychology and my soon to be MBA, allow me to explain how you…a man of color…get trapped in the Friend Zone.

She’s not attracted to you

Oh, sure, she finds you funny, charming, fun to be with -- but when a Maxwell cd is played…you are not in her cerebrum, cerebellum, or medulla. I don’t care what kind of car you may drive, wardrobe you can wear, there’s not a lot you can do about this, so don’t kid yourself. If she's just not into you, you have a choice to make: Either stay as her friend or withdraw like a gentlemen and seek out other pursuits.

You’re a doormat

She has relegated you to friend status because you’re way too nice, too accommodating and have the invisible word “welcome home” written on your face. She knows she can have you just by snapping her fingers. You follow her around like a moon-eyed puppy dog. You try to impress her. You think you can buy her attention with flowers, gifts and expensive meals. You are as soft as an ice cream cone from Dairy Queen, and she can’t wait to castrate you and make you her best girlfriend who’ll look after her pets while she goes running off for the weekend. You’re so caught up in the Matrix, you might as well add food and beverage sponsor to your resume.

Hello and welcome back to the Friend Zone my brother. If you have your Frequent Friend Zone card on hand, P.O.S.H. we'll be happy to stamp it for you before proceeding.

First and foremost, I understand and sympathize with the fact that maybe you were too passive, never had a shot, and acted too much like a sibling. These things happen, to some of us more than others, sure, but such is life.

Is there any way to escape the Friend Zone? It’s not easy, but not impossible. Allow me to explain your options.

Option One- Stay in the Friend Zone

Staying in the Friend Zone gives the impression that you're a mature human being, one willing to take the high road. And, should you find some way to get beyond your obsession, you may end up with a true and good friend. You may come to see this woman as a human and value their insights, their words, enjoy their trust and all the things a real friend has to offer. Yawn.

We know, deep down inside, that that's not going to happen. Because part of the job of being a friend is listening. In the Friend Zone, you'll have to listen to her problems. And her problems will, for some reason, always stem from the chaos and drama she's taking from the guy currently in the Boyfriend/Boo/Significant Other Zone. You, of course, can try to be a good friend, a good listener and help her out. Feel free to do so.

If you enjoy sleepless nights spent alone listening to the greatest hits of Boyz II Men thinking to yourself, “ We belong together, and you know that I’m right,” while alternating between abject depression, feelings of worthlessness and monstrous fits of jealous rage, knock yourself out. Who am I to judge?

Option Two-Leave

Walk across the Friend Zone, open up the door and, simply, leave. This would be the smart thing to do, but again, no pressure here. Sure, it might seem petty to just walk away. Maybe the object of your affection will be mystified, possibly a little hurt. But let me point out that your primary purpose in life shouldn't be to provide emotional support and affection for someone who has no intentions, of being with you. Ever.

Once you walk through that door, you will find a complete halt to emails, phone calls, GChats, text messaging and all the other things you might use to keep false hope, your biggest enemy in the dating game, alive.

And there you have it. Again, welcome to the Friend Zone. Stay as long as you like. Or leave. Those are your only choices. No matter what anyone says, you cannot leave the Friend Zone the way you came in. Stop acting like her puppy dog and don’t be so available. Be a challenge, not a doormat. Keep her off balance. Be unpredictable. Keep her guessing. Create value through scarcity.

Shakespeare said it best, “All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.”

As a man, you must know your exits.