The P.O.S.H. Life (Pursuit of Strength & Health)

So you got her to go out with you and you are genuinely interested. How do you keep her attention and hungry for more? I found a great article at MyBrotha.com which can give you a few tips. (I can't spit my own knowledge everyday..gotta work!)

A lot of women don't mind the suave words and phrases you may use. Some may even be flattered by those words. But it takes more than a few chessy lines to keep her from wavering. Even more important, how do you handle getting her attention and keeping it for longer than a single day? The answers can be both complex and simple at the same time.

Now before you settle on using lame pickup lines that were probably worthless during your high school days, consider the fact that most women have been exposed to the game for a lot longer than they care to mention. There aren't many pickup lines women haven't heard before. If you want to reap the benefits of meeting and keeping a quality woman, try some of these techniques and take note of the differences in these -- and the ones you may currently use.


Track Star
Women love attention. But most do not wish to be feverishly chased into a corner where they feel trapped or smothered. There is a fine line between showing a woman an adequate amount of attention, and dishing out more than she can handle. Attention isn't some substance she can peel off in chunks and use for a later date. The amount you show her at any given moment should be calculated with care. After all, you're in this for a reason, right?

So stop running so fast. Those old clichés about "chasing the woman" and using the, "full-court press", are out-dated and overrated. Besides, men can never keep up with those reputations and this will be painfully evident soon after a woman accepts the invites and the chase settles down a bit.

Low-level Contact
For some reason, there is no in-between for guys. We either don't call the women we claim to be interested in, or we give new meaning to the term, "hotline". Phone calling should be kept to a minimum. That's right. Totally opposite from the traditional phone-blasts many men present, women look for sincere phone calls that show desire and thoughtfulness. Besides that, you have to remain somewhat of a challenge. If a woman expects you to call too often, you need to do exactly the opposite.

These phone calls or emails don't have to be 5-hour marathons, or 4-page soliloquies. Two quality phone calls during the week, is 99-times better than ten sorry ones over two days.

High-level Reception
Men are notorius for being the aggressors, and disappearing like ghosts when women try to reach them. While most women won't pursue men indefinitely, many will initiate telephone calls or emails if their interests have been piqued. The result should be a man who is available to answer those calls or messages from time to time. This means, if you are an extremely difficult person to get a hold of at any point in time, her attention-meter begins to swing towards the negative numbers. (In these instances, negative numbers are not good!)

In other words, be available. One of the first negative characteristics women tag to a man's persona, is his ability to show up. Of course, you don't have to be in every spot she expects to find you, but the harder it is for her to reach you, the easier it is for her to stop trying.

Support her Goals
It's not all about you. The sooner you learn this, the better. Your goal here is to be known as a man who listens and shows affectionate attention without being asked or coerced.

We're living during the times of the independent sista, so most women you meet will already have goals, aspirations, and dreams to strive for. Some may already be in the midst of realizing those dreams, and how you handle the reception of those dreams, is important for the future.

If you don't understand her desire to collect stamps, or open a Shetland pony farm, show an interest in the fact that she has dreams, even if you don't like what she's dreaming about.

Don't Do Anything
You got it. Meet with her, sit with her, stand at the counter in McDonald's with her, and do absolutely nothing. There's no need to go overboard in the impression department. There is nothing wrong with pointing out your talents every now and then, but don't worry about making earth-shattering revelations, or solving the world's problems when you meet.

Just be yourself enjoy the quality moments you have. There will be plenty of time to shine if you have her attention.
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So its Monday, and you knew I had to bring you the ignorance. Its dating week here at P.O.S.H. and I wanted to discuss how colorism affects your dating habits. It ain't 1953 and we are no longer riding at the back of the bus. However, many of us still subscribe to dating habits of the past.

I wanted to get to the heart of dating patterns we find ourselves trapped in and why we claim there are no "quality/good" folks around for us to date. Do you limit your pool by color? Is it subconscious or is it a preference so deep rooted that you didn't even realize you were doing it? Are we excluding quality candidates based on ex slave mentalities? I saw this quote on Happy Nappy Head by Roy Innis and it really made me think.

“I was one of the pioneers of the concept of Black is Beautiful. That we must be proud of our African ancestry. Unfortunately, the demon of self-depreciation has been the most difficult demon for Black Americans of all complexions to expel. Darker skinned Blacks like KanyeWest have had an even harder time accepting Blackness in themselves and in others. I wonder how much we have gained psychologically, since the bad old days of the 60’s, in our appreciation of our Blackness.”

I will be the first to admit. I used to subscribe to the title of this post. All of my boyfriends or guys I was interested in were light bright, paper bag test passing, "good hair" having, get my mamma and grand mamma's stamp of approval dudes. My family is from Tennessee, where it was believed back in the day that the lighter you were the easier you fit into society and were desirable. Colorism appears to be tied to where you live in America. In the Southern and Western areas of the country, folks still subscribe to the "If your Light your Right" theory of dating. I was even told by a family member "Don't marry any dark-skinned man, we won't babysit your monkey children." Wow! I was appalled, and this was sometime around 2003...not 1923.

Many black women have stated preferences for dating only light-skin men. There is this conception that men of lighter complexions will be more successful in the workplace (which equals stability and providing for a family), and they will have "pretty" children which is tied to the myths about good and bad hair. A poll I found online stated that women had a preference for dating light skinned men. Discussion on the generally stated that women generally were raised not to date darker skinned men or chose them as husband material but darker skinned men were perceived as better lovers in bed. (Wow, we still are on the Mandingo principle in 2008???)

Men how about you? I have heard black professional men discuss only dating medium to light skinned women. Darker skinned women at times can be seen as undesirable in work, social, and economic settings. Dating light skinned women is even ingrained in popular media. When is the last time you saw a dark skinned video chick? Nearly every girl in a video can check the light-skinned, other, or questionable box. Kanye West is even quoted as saying “If it wasn’t for race mixing there’d be no video girls. Me and most of our friends like mutts a lot. Yeah, in the hood they call ‘em mutts”.

You all remember the "Light-Skinned Girl Party" which was to be held in Detroit and women perceived as light skinned would get in for $5. Black men even seem to stray away from or have a preference for dating women with lighter complexions as they will have long and straight hair. It appears that Black men are only slowly coming around to women rocking their natural hair texture.

I even caught a glimpse of online dating ads. Most people referred to themselves as light or dark skinned, not just black. You don't see other nationalities referring to themselves by color even though each ethnicity has their own color issues to deal with.

To come back full circle. Does colorism affect your dating preferences? Do you stick to one range of color on the Black spectrum? Are you missing out on good candidates because of a societal idea placed in your head by your environment or family?

If so, I think we all need to take a hard look at our preferences and be a little more equal opportunity. We don't work in the big house or the field anymore and while racism does exist, we shall overcome.

Comments?
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Let me be the first to say, let the words of my mouth, be acceptable to thy sight. I had to say that because I ‘m getting ready to go to church like Choir Boy from “The Five Heartbeats.” My brothers of color, we exist in the perfect time and season to actually meet a woman of quality and substance. I don’t know if you know this, but we are currently in a period of economic distress. The job market is so horrific, it reminds me of the set of Good Times (ain’t we lucky we got em, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom). You would think that this hardship will bring out some of the women we know as gold diggers. Wrong. There is no gold even for them to dig. A person might be in a house, but he might be one month away from foreclosure or sitting on a sub prime mortgage. Suddenly New Edition’s,” Can You Stand the Rain” is like the Gospel now.

Despite my commentary, now is the time to really meet someone quality. The way things are with the economy, employment, and the environment, people are forced to do things that don’t cost a lot of money and actually requires conversation as part of the date. This beats stuffing chardonnay and surf and turf in your mouth. Grant it some folk’s ain’t gonna make it. Some of our female counterparts have champagne taste, but Kool-Aid salary. Also some people do not know how to operate in the down economy. They were so used to just spending money and not having to worry about anything. Alas, now everyone has to be creative.

This is the primetime for a cheap brother with an imagination to “come up.” If you’re that dude, then my brother, suddenly you’re “romantic.” I mean anybody who can cook right now is a hot commodity. I got the oven if you got the coupons!

Sidebar: Here is what I wonder. Why haven’t we seen the resurgence of the house party? I mean people are broke and still trying to VIP it all over the town. That is a wrap for me. The only bottle service I’m trying to get is at the “batcave.” Then again, if everybody is caught up in sub prime mortgage crisis, there are no houses to host parties. Forget Facebook! We need a house party network!

Okay I’m back. So to bring quality women into your life, I offer these things.

• Does she do the little things?

Actions speak louder than words. Does she surprise you with your favorite ice cream or candy? What about buying you little thoughtful gifts? Grant it she may be I-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t, but she should also know r-e-c-i-p-r-o-c-i-t-y.

If you see yourself putting more into the relationship than you're getting out of it, it's time to ask yourself some serious questions.

• Complete personality

Look to see if she's sincere, honest, reliable, responsible and relentless. The more of these qualities your woman has, the smaller the chances of her being the next contestant for the “I used to know her” list. But if your woman lacks any of these characteristics, then…to the left, to the left.

Remember gentlemen, the word for the rest of 2008 is “quality.” Let me know your success stories.
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What do Black men love about Black women? I started off doing a post to make everyone feel all warm and fuzzy. I googled "why black men love black women?" I thought I would find a poll, or survey I could quickly post. What did I find......some madness.

I am not against interracial dating. I just wonder what happened to Black Love? I searched page after page on Google and came up with ads like Black Man/White Woman, White Girls love Black Men, Black Women/White Man, Its so hard dating a black man/woman.......

WHERE WERE THE SITES ABOUT US LOVING EACH OTHER?

Is this why the divorce rates are so high? Is that why we have so many problematic relationships with each other? Interracial couples didn't become the norm until after segregation. That was only 40+ years ago!!! Where did the love go in 40 years folks??? Where did the respect and cultivation of black love go? Heck I had to search high and low just to find this photo!

I know that its a free love movement going on out there and you can't help who you love. But when did we stop loving each other black people?

Maybe we can start here.

Black men what do you love about black women?

Black women what do you love about black men?

No hate .....only love.
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I stumbled on a rumored report that Keyshia Cole asked Young Jeezy to marry her and Jeezy declined. He cited the reason for his denial was his focus on his career and making money. I have heard from a few guys that women need to step up and get their holler game together since this is no longer 1950 (this is an entirely different post for another day). Keyshia took it one step further by proposing to her boo. (I don't know if I could take it that far).

It seems to me that Black couples are the first to site career goals and timing as the reason why we can't settle down. It has been my experience that other nationalities are interested in building with each other. They will start off with $100 and a dream while we can't marry until our paper is right. Are we missing out on great opportunities?


I began to wonder what are the reasons why a man won't commit to marrying a woman. If they have been dating for a long time, why do people waste time. If they aren't marriage material why are you seriously dating them. I found this Article at Black Voices a few days ago which cites a few reasons why men won't commit to marriage.



10. Options (other women) - With so many women out there, sometimes it can be difficult to settle down. Like much of the world, women outnumber men and in the black community, the disparity is even more pronounced. Sometimes guys just want to "sow their wild oats."

9. Financial issues - Money can play a large role in a relationship as two people start sharing their income. When you realize that the girl of your dreams can't keep a hold of her pocket book and she's dragging you down in the process, it becomes hard to imagine a future together.

8. The family from hell - When expectations don't mesh between the man and the woman's family, sparks can fly creating disastrous situations.

7. Insecurity/trust - Sometimes relationships can have trust issues and it makes it impossible to whole-heartedly be with someone, knowing the may lie or have cheated. The idea of his future wife with someone else can haunt a man.

6. Change in lifestyle- There are certain guys who don't want to get married simply because they like their care-free lifestyle. They don't want to compromise, they avoid responsibility and they cling to their personal space. For these men, a woman has to be pretty convincing in order to change their ways

5. She already has kids - For some men, when a woman has children already, there may be a feeling that the they will never be his. They may turn away from raising another man's offspring for the sheer fact that she still has that connection to the children's father.

4. Geography -She may want to live in one area while he wants to live in another. He may get a job out of town that could be full of possibilities and she may be on the fast track in her own field. Simple things like geography can be a relationship killer for men when compromise is out of the question.

3. Social class or status - Your girl may have more money than you. Plain and simple, it can be difficult for some men to maintain relationships knowing that they aren't the primary breadwinners. This can create insecurity and actually work to emasculate some men as they may be constantly reminded by their situation or even their girl that she does in fact make more than him.

2. They may not be the right person - A relationship can sputter and yet reluctantly continue despite a bevy of problems and when the idea of marriage comes up, those flaws may become painfully apparent.

1. Divorce/Parents Never Married - Children learn what they see and if they have no role models to emulate, or if their parents weren't married, it may not be normal to them. Some men may have seen their parents go through a nasty divorce and consciously or unconsciously may fear marriage and the pain it may cause.

Thoughts? Comments?

Ladies what has been your experience?

Fellas got any more thoughts or want to add to the discussion?

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So, I am a little late..blah blah. I just read that Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith's marriage of 11 years is "open" what the hell does that mean? Since when did a marriage become a DMV line. "Now servicing customer 69".



Will Smith recently reported he and Jada "talk" about having sex with other people. He reports "Our perspective is, you don't avoid what's natural and you're going to be attracted to people. "And if it came down to it, then one would say to the other: 'Look, I need to have sex with somebody. Now, I'm not going to if you don't approve of it'."

Smith suggested that his marriage would survive a permitted affair because of his and wife Jada's honesty. 'In our marriage vows, we didn't say "forsaking all others". We said, "You will never hear I did something afterwards". Because if that happens, the relationship is destroyed.'
But Will's not sure what he'd do if one day Jada, 38, confides that she does want to take a lover.‘I don’t know how I’d feel,’ he confesses. ‘But I know I would react better than if I found out about it afterwards.’

I was blown away by this article and it seems that the Smiths have found an easy way to cheat on each other. What happened to marriage vows. I didn't pledge to love you , Andre, Scott, and Jamal.

I was also listening to a radio program tonight. The question was is a man/woman still a good man/woman if they are a cheater? Woman after woman called in and said they had good men because they paid bills and took care of children and infidelity could be forgiven. I almost threw my radio while listening to these comments. This seemed to me just like what Jada is allowing in her relationship.

Not one man who called in during the show stated they would be able to tolerate a cheating woman. Will is giving all these scenarios about how he likes his open relationship. When provided with the same prospect he, like the men on the radio show, got to stuttering and sputtering.

How is the black family going to survive when notable figures endorse cheating like an underwear ad? If Will and Jada can do it...it must be right. Grow up folks, cheatin is cheatin whether you are dating or married. If you cheat you don't respect the person you claim to love. If you need to cheat, doesn't this mean you were never compatible in the first place?

Why is it that a man can't forgive cheatin or but women allow it b/c the man is a provider. Isn't that an oxymoron? I call bullsh*t.

Men what do you think?

Ladies chime in.

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CocoaDiva here. I was just pondering on love and relationships and thought of the Cinderella syndrome. Why is it we as women are always waiting on our white knight to show up, make our lives complete, and sweep US off our feet. We always think we have found "the one" and a year or several years later we realize we just had magic dust in our eyes. Why are we so afraid of taking charge of our own relationships?

There is no such thing as the Prince Charming complex. Men aren't sitting around waiting for that right one, being patient, faithful, and dilligent. They are out in the streets with wives, girlfriends, and others. Why is there no complex like this for men? Men get to sow oats while we get to sit at home and wait for the oats to make oatmeal.

I was at a book club meeting this weekend and I posed the question when does a man realize that he has found that ONE aka "Princess Charming"? Why is it that men proclaim they have found her but then cheat on her, abuse her, or neglect her. I especially can't understand the cheat on portion. When is ONE woman enough to satisfy a man's needs?

Why is it in our society committment has become a dirty word? Why is there that half of all marriages end in divorce statistics? Were our mothers less afraid of meeting disaster in marriage. Why do we have to worry about the down-low brother?

Does a man ever get permanently swept off his feet in a magical Cinderalla moment?
Is there such thing as a down-low sistah that men have to worry about? On that note what are the male pit-falls to modern dating?

Speak now if your tired of kissing frogs. (Or men if you have your answer). Read More......

Hello All: Below please find a timely article that ladies should consider when thinking about mate selection. Often times, we have this long laundry list of what a man "should have" in order to be compatible. As we grow older, we should tear our lists up and get back down to the basics. There are many good men around us ladies. We just need to throw our lists out the window. Lets not lose the forest for the trees. Please let P.O.S.H. know your thoughts on this topic.

An Ideal Husband by: Maureen Dowd

This weekend, we celebrate our great American pastime: messy celebrity divorces.
There’s the Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook fireworks on Long Island and the Madonna/Guy Ritchie/A-Rod Roman candle in New York.

So how do you avoid a relationship where you end up saying, “The man who I was living with, I just didn’t know who he was” — as Brinkley did in court when talking about her husband’s $3,000-a-month Internet porn and swinger site habit? (Not to mention the 18-year-old mistress/assistant.)

Father Pat Connor, a 79-year-old Catholic priest born in Australia and based in Bordentown, N.J., has spent his celibate life — including nine years as a missionary in India — mulling connubial bliss. His decades of marriage counseling led him to distill some “mostly common sense” advice about how to dodge mates who would maul your happiness.

“Hollywood says you can be deeply in love with someone and then your marriage will work,” the twinkly eyed, white-haired priest says. “But you can be deeply in love with someone to whom you cannot be successfully married.”

For 40 years, he has been giving a lecture — “Whom Not to Marry” — to high school seniors, mostly girls because they’re more interested.

“It’s important to do it before they fall seriously in love, because then it will be too late,” he explains. “Infatuation trumps judgment.”

I asked him to summarize his talk:
“Never marry a man who has no friends,” he starts. “This usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands. I am always amazed at the number of men I have counseled who have no friends. Since, as the Hebrew Scriptures say, ‘Iron shapes iron and friend shapes friend,’ what are his friends like? What do your friends and family members think of him? Sometimes, your friends can’t render an impartial judgment because they are envious that you are beating them in the race to the altar. Envy beclouds judgment.

“Does he use money responsibly? Is he stingy? Most marriages that founder do so because of money — she’s thrifty, he’s on his 10th credit card.

“Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours. It’s good to have a doormat in the home, but not if it’s your husband.

“Is he overly attached to his mother and her mythical apron strings? When he wants to make a decision, say, about where you should go on your honeymoon, he doesn’t consult you, he consults his mother. (I’ve known cases where the mother accompanies the couple on their honeymoon!)

“Does he have a sense of humor? That covers a multitude of sins. My mother was once asked how she managed to live harmoniously with three men — my father, brother and me. Her answer, delivered with awesome arrogance, was: ‘You simply operate on the assumption that no man matures after the age of 11.’ My father fell about laughing.

“A therapist friend insists that ‘more marriages are killed by silence than by violence.’ The strong, silent type can be charming but ultimately destructive. That world-class misogynist, Paul of Tarsus, got it right when he said, ‘In all your dealings with one another, speak the truth to one another in love that you may grow up.’

“Don’t marry a problem character thinking you will change him. He’s a heavy drinker, or some other kind of addict, but if he marries a good woman, he’ll settle down. People are the same after marriage as before, only more so.

“Take a good, unsentimental look at his family — you’ll learn a lot about him and his attitude towards women. Kay made a monstrous mistake marrying Michael Corleone! Is there a history of divorce in the family? An atmosphere of racism, sexism or prejudice in his home? Are his goals and deepest beliefs worthy and similar to yours? I remember counseling a pious Catholic woman that it might not be prudent to marry a pious Muslim, whose attitude about women was very different. Love trumped prudence; the annulment process was instigated by her six months later.

“Imagine a religious fundamentalist married to an agnostic. One would have to pray that the fundamentalist doesn’t open the Bible and hit the page in which Abraham is willing to obey God and slit his son’s throat.

“Finally: Does he possess those character traits that add up to a good human being — the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous? Or is he inclined to be a fibber, to fits of rage, to be a control freak, to be envious of you, to be secretive?

“After I regale a group with this talk, the despairing cry goes up: ‘But you’ve eliminated everyone!’ Life is unfair.”

As seen in the New York Times http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/06/opinion/06dowd.html?_r=1&ref=opinion&oref=slogin

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Gentlemen, you're single – a man of color, educated, a bachelor, committed to no one in particular, able to party like Shawn Carter and sleep until noon with no one underfoot to tell you to do otherwise. It's a great life, and why shouldn't it be?

Still, that question keeps popping into your head: Should I settle down? Should I ransom my freedom? Should I embark on the great search for my soul mate and willingly kiss my single days goodbye forever?

When it comes to dating, romance or relationships, I get a rash. Maybe not the kind that requires topical ointment and a shot, but my mood definitely clouds over. I'll cop to being a skeptic, but a hardened cynic? Hardly. It's just that I've witnessed far too many relationships pander to the lowest common denominator. Relationship discussions about Black Love nowadays drip with mawkish sentimentalism, blatant manipulation and unrealistic circumstances.

Mama told me one day it was gonna happen, But she never told me when.

Just thinking about Black Love leaves me even more depleted and world weary. Honestly, I’m tired. Tired of hearing negative reports on black men in America and not knowing whether they're true. We are the most analyzed probed, prodded, under-studied, over-studied group ever.

What exactly is the definition of black love? Does it mean that if a person is a certan skin color, he or she will love differently? To me love is love. Love sees no color; I would have to agree with that. But it's not stupid either; and knows color exist. I believe in black love. It's deep and sometimes uplifting. It's joy and pain. It's anger, fear, and even confusion. Sometimes it can be just plain funny. It's the total human experience. It's life.

What ever happened to black love? Unfortunately 'Black Love' is nearly non-existent with this generation. If it's not dead, then it's on life support.

She told me it would happen when I was much older. Wish it would’ve happened then.

In the Washington area, there are 83 single black men for every 100 single black women. This ratio is very similar to Atlanta. For eligible black men, that equation can look like a dating smorgasbord, with seemingly limitless choices, and not just among black women. So what do men of color want? We want hassle free and haggle free dating!

Sure I can place a spotlight on black female behavior, as it relates to poor choices in men (ie: thugs, ballers, drug dealers) they make for themselves while overlooking black men who are honest, hardworking, and intelligent. Interesting enough, these are the same black females that constantly scream, "Where are all the good black men?" Guess what…we're here, and in great numbers.

But I guess that is what helped caused the death of black love. Maybe…just maybe…we got greedy with the ratio. We took advantage of a situation that works so well in our favor that it’s almost like the perfect dream. I mean we are so cocky with this, that we now wear shades at night, sport the bluetooth everywhere, and feel that women should actually pay for the date.

The bad black men of this world have been put on a pedestal by far too many black women. Good black men have no hope or support as long as black women favor the lowest level of the black male species. Oh how I envy the brothers that can drive a sister car all day, using up all her gas, and not refill it. What I wouldn’t give to be like the men who never open car doors, walk on the wrong side of the street, never send flowers, give back to the community, or even cook. Please God…send me more women that will allow me to do that!

But who cares these days. It’s almost over for Black Love. It’s as dead as the jherri curl.

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I found this on a website and it was too good not to share...it's talking to nice guys, but ladies it goes the same way with us too...


How many times have you heard the phrase "nice guys finish last" ? You probably can't even count how many times you've heard some frustrated guy say this. You might even say this yourself quite frequently. So, what is it about "Nice Guys" that cause their hearts to get stomped on by women and people in general? I'm going to help explain this as clearly as possible.

First, it is NOT the fact that a guy is "nice" that makes him unattractive to women. Being nice is a great personality trait and there's nothing wrong with being a nice person. So many men are under the impression that they were "too nice" and that's why they got stomped on and stepped over. Wrong !

No more Mr. Nice Guy

The first and most crucial mistake a guy can make is to lie to himself about the REAL reason that woman got scared off. Most of the time he is just too needy and attempts to build his entire existence and happiness around being with her. Guys...this is TOO MUCH pressure and feels suffocating. Men don't like overly needy women and women don't like overly needy men. So, how do you avoid turning into a clump of belly button lint stuck in some woman's navel? Simple...do NOT build your life around her or anyone else, for that matter. Have your own interests and activities. Build a happy and healthy life for yourself so that when you do find a good woman she compliments the good life you already have rather than creates or completes your life. Every good and quality relationship includes time away from each other and room for each person to be an individual as well as part of a couple.

Nice Guy Syndrome

Another mistake so many nice guys make is to devote all of their time into doing things for other people to the point where they aren't taking care of themselves. Learn to say no when you need or want to say it. It's okay to put your own needs and wants ahead of doing things for others that they could do for themselves. If you don't take care of yourself first you won't be worth a damn to anyone else. How can you be there for that woman in your life if you don't see to your own needs first? You can't.

Love is a wonderful thing, and it's a precious gift you can give to other people. However, most importantly, you MUST love yourself first. Until you can genuinely love yourself you can't love another person in a healthy way. So many "nice guys" mistakenly believe that if they worship the ground a woman walks on and idolizes her that she will automatically return the same treatment towards him. These are what I like to call "Unrealistic Expectations". More often than not, these kinds of expectations go unmet and lead to pain, frustration and sometimes anger. These expectations are nothing more than premeditated resentments. This isn't healthy behavior and what it boils down to is a heavy dose of self inflicted suffering. Never set yourself up for this kind of disappointment. Treat yourself better than this.

Finally...if a man spends all of his time catering to the whims of others, how can he find the time to have a full and rich life? He can't, and his life is spent helping others to make their lives more interesting while his life becomes more and more dull and boring. He has little energy left for his own adventures and excitement and his love life suffers as a result. Women don't like boredom and stagnation.

The mistakes nice guys make are

1. Being too needy

2. Unrealistic Expectations/Premeditated Resentments

3. Idolizing a woman

4. Living for everyone else but himself and becoming dull

5. Making his happiness and existence too dependent on his relationships with others

If you recognize your own behavior in this list, you have probably blamed your "niceness" for hindering your relationships with women. Hopefully this article will help you to see and understand exactly where the problem is and what you need to do to fix it.

Here are a few things you can start doing right away to help you to stop making this mistakes with women.

1. Start saying "No" when you don't want to do someone a favor. "Sorry, I can't" is just as easy to say, and the world won't stop turning if you say no.

2. Go spend some time with and on yourself...make your life exciting and interesting. Do things you enjoy just because you enjoy it. You deserve this! It's YOUR life!

3. Don't worship women. They are human, make mistakes and aren't perfect. They are just like you for the most part, and are no better or worse than you are. Don't treat them like they deserve more than you do. If you don't respect yourself women won't respect you either.

4. You "need" food and water. You "need" shelter. You don't "need" any specific person to create your happiness and make you "somebody". If you feel like you "need" someone else to be happy then your feelings towards that person are NOT healthy. It's healthy to "want" someone to compliment who you ALREADY are, but NOT to "need" someone to define or complete you.

In conclusion ... don't lose the niceness, lose the neediness.


This was originally appeared at http://www.pick-up-woman.com/nice-guys-finish-last.shtml Read More......

The life of a man of color is never easy. We have to worry about paying bills, coping with the 21st century dating scene, trying to prove that all brothers are not bad (usually with a singular lack of success); and so on and so forth. These days you can outsource any job-but some things you need to know how to do yourself.

A man can be an expert in nothing, but he must be practiced in many things. Skills. You don't have to master them all at once. You simply have to collect and develop a certain number of skills as the years tick by. People count on you to come through. That's why you need these basics, to start.

10- Tie a tie
Learn for those important business meetings or formal affairs. Just make sure you give yourself enough time to do it while getting ready, so as not to rush.

9- Undo a bra
Crickets.

8- Make restaurant reservations
It may seem hard to make reservations at one of the hottest spots in town, but with perseverance and research, you can do it. Find out what the reservation policy of the restaurant is; try a slower night or earlier hour. Then, once you're in, you can try to become friendly with the manager or host, which can work to your advantage next time around. Also, use your power as a client. If the host is not being cooperative, try speaking to the manager.

7- Smoke a cigar
Smoking a cigar is an art form, so learn the lingo, cut the head, light the cigar, remove the band, and smoke away. Just don't inhale and remember that puff, puff, pass is not allowed.

6- Manage stress
Put things into perspective and take things one day at a time. Improve your time-management skills and get into the habit of taking breathers (a walk, counting to 10). It's not that deep to catch a felony.

5- Do the laundry
Doing the laundry is something you have to resort to, unless you're prepared to pay hefty dry cleaning bills. Gather up your clothes, separate the whites from the darks, and do separate loads. Make sure to read labels and check that no special care is required. Follow your washing machine instructions and place your clothes in the dryer after washing. For more delicate pieces that may shrink, hang or lay flat to dry.

4- Purchase flowers
So, you think it's all about the roses, eh?...wrong! Giving roses is extinct like Ray J's musical career. Find out the meaning of each flower by brushing up on your flower etiquette.

3- Change a tire
We don't always have the luxury of having others stop to help us if we're stuck with a flat, and what if a sexy woman flags us down off the road to change her flat? In a nutshell, put the parking brake and hazard lights on; get out your lug nut wrench and car jack; remove the hubcap; loosen the lug nuts; jack up the car; remove the lug nuts followed by the flat tire; put the new tire onto the wheel studs; put the lug nuts back, and make sure they're screwed on tight. If you mess this up...just walk...away, because "She" will talk about you.

2- Choose the right wine
Impress her with your wine savviness and choose the right bottle for your dinner date. Generally, choose red for pasta and seafood, and white for fish. It also depends on whether you're having a light or heavy meal, and how much you want to spend.

1- Be a gentleman
Although some may think chivalry is dead, you can try to keep it alive by always being the perfect gentlemen. Read More......

Summer is that wonderful time of year when the sun begins to warm, lazy days are normal, tops reveal more midriff and skirts get a little shorter. Life is renewed and the world is a flurry of energy. Summer is also a time when almost every inch of air seems to be flush with hormones and pheromones moving around at near Mach 5 speeds, causing summer madness.

Fellas, this is the season to celebrate life as a single man of color. Get out of the house and let’s get it! Gentlemen, if you live by the saying, " You'll meet someone when you least expect it”, then make sure you have fun while you're waiting.

During this season, many of us are at our carefree best and although the stresses of work and summer classes may still accompany us, we are completely different people. If you are single and not in a long-term commitment, then prepare for rejuvenation.

Warning: Summer flings are not for the faint of heart. Because they are based upon a definitive end point, they require strength and a logical outlook. If you can manage that, then indulge, double check to see if “Slum Village” Selfish is in your play list, and have fun!

Summer romances are all about fun, not about finding Ms. Right. Curious? Here's what you need to do to get your fling on

1. Forget the norm. Throw away the dating checklist you use the rest of the year. In my opinion, summer romances are similar to the honeymoon period at the beginning of more long-term relationships. As you are just getting to know each other, both of you are on your best behavior and look and act immaculate all the time.

Summer flings are great in that sense, because you don’t have to know each other too intimately if you don’t wish to. And just as you’re starting to see the “human” side of each other, which would normally determine the continuation or termination of the relationship, your time is likely running out.

Variety is the spice of the life. Here is your opportunity to have fun dating several women without having a conscious about being in a serious long term relationship. Always stay a gentleman and treat your dates with respect.

2. Have fun. Right now I live in two cities that possess a plethora of summer activities. I can choose screen on the green, outdoor concerts, and several other activities that are recession proof. This is your chance to do tons of fun things with your date or dates. Step out of your boundaries and be crazy, creative and wild! Dare to go whitewater rafting or attend a New Edition concert. You are allowed to be whomever you want. By the time the other person judges you, it’ll be at the end of the relationship rope. Enjoy your time together. You’ll never forget it.

3. Don't think about the future. Do summer flings ever make it to fall and winter? Sometimes. But the point of summer dating is to stay in the present. All good things must come to an end. Summer romances have a clear ending--usually before or after Labor Day. Rest assured pink slips will be given out before homecoming season begins.

My brothers, you can make the world your oyster by just living life to its fullest. Life is too short. It’s not the amount of breaths we take. Life is about the moments that take our breath away.

Summer is calling us!

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