Oh girl I know that you're, attracted to me, and I should feel the same, about you.
You may have noticed that every romantic comedy ends as soon as the relationship begins: boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy reforms, boy gets girl back, the end. Getting involved with certain women has irreversible ramifications that can eventually cause interference with the simple joys of life.
There’s just something wrong, I don’t know what it is, that keeps us from becoming two.
Have you met this woman? She has a good job, works hard, and earns a good salary. She went to college, maybe got her master's degree; she is intelligent. She is personable, articulate, well-read, interested in everybody and everything. Yet, she's single.
She can even be active in the church, faithful, and committed. Loves the Lord and knows the Word. You'd think that with her command of the Scriptures, she'd have a relationship as solid as a rock. But boom…no man.
Or perhaps you recognize this person. She sports a short natural, sometimes cornrow braids, or even dreadlocks. She's a motivator, a dynamo. Her work for her community speaks for itself-organizing women for a community cause, maybe educating others around a new issue in the African Diaspora. People look up to her, and know she's a force to be reckoned with. Yet once again, ta-dah, no man.
What do these women have in common? They have so much; what is it they lack? Why is it they may be able to hook a man but can't hold him? The women puzzle over this quandary themselves. They gather at professional clubs, at sorority meetings or over happy hour and wonder what's wrong with men of color. And after asking over and over again "What's wrong with these men?" I had an epiphany to finally ask the question, "What’s wrong with these women?"
It's not your looks.
What I have found, and what many of these women have yet to discover, is that the skills that make one successful in graduate school, the community, or workplace are not the skills that make one successful in a relationship.
Linear thinking, self-reliance, structured goals and direct actions assist one in getting assignments done, in positioning oneself for a raise. But relationship-building requires different skills. Love and labor goes hand and hand. It’s not what you say, it’s what you do. Many modern women are so independent, so self-sufficient, so committed to the cause, to career-or their narrow concepts of same, that their entire personalities project an "I don't need a man" message. So they end up without one. An interested man maybe attracted but, he soon discovers that this sister makes very little space for him in her life.
It’s not your style.
Going to graduate school is a good goal and an option that previous generations of people of color in the
It’s not the way that you carry yourself.
As men we enjoy a woman’s softness and see it as a way to be in touch with our tender side, a side we do not often show. We appreciate women for having grace and beauty. A hard-working woman is good to have on the committee. But, when a man goes home, he'd prefer a loving partner to a hard worker. It's not an easy transition for the modern black woman to make. It sounds submissive, reactionary, outmoded, and oppressive. Good Lord, what will Angela Davis think?
Women of color have fought so hard for so many things, and rightfully so. They have known so many men who were shaky, jive, triflin, and untrustworthy. Not having a boyfriend, boo, or significant other allows women to do whatever they want, when and how they want to do it. Having one means they have to share and certain points will have to be surrendered. You can find the hardest woman in the world but deep down in side she dreads the prospect of being single and alone.
But I've been in love before, so I know how it feels, and the chemistry just isn't there.
As men, we must own up to the fact we are also contributing to the death of black love. We have left women extremely puzzled and confused as to what black men want from black women.
Do we want a good nurturer and mother, an intelligent and hard-working professional, or someone with all T & A? They just can't figure it out. We say one thing but act the opposite way. They wonder why we can't just be honest and upfront. Well the reason why we as men of color can’t be honest and upfront is that…drum roll please…..we don’t have a clue… on what we want.
It seems to me that things would be much easier if we simply admitted that we are looking for "an intelligent, successful, attractive, driven, compassionate woman who can be a good wife, mother, lover and companion, and who will be able to use her talents and strengths to benefit the relationship." Why play games?
That’s what we do. We play games. We love the chase, but can’t follow through on the responsibility. As men we complain. We complain about black women being too independent and pushy. Yet, at the same time, we do not want some wimp of a woman who doesn't know her head from a hole in the ground and who just sits around waiting to be told what to do. We complain when she gains weight, changes hair styles, never cooks, and the list goes on and on. We say things like relationships are hard, but only contribute 50%.
One of my favorite literary characters is Charles Dickens, Ebenezer Scrooge. As men of color, we can learn from old Ebenezer. His life is one of tragedy. In the twilight of his life, he ends up cold and alone. Sure he was successful, had money, but as Billie Dee said to Diana Ross in the movie Mahogany, “Success is nothing without someone to share it with.”
Oh, girl I’m sorry…Black love doesn’t even have a chance.
5 comments:
this. is. good. stuff.
there is a lot of painful truth in this article. i think black love is not dead, but it's on a holiday for a lot of us.
Hello,
For the most part, I see what you are saying, particularly as a black woman with a master's degree, and a member of the type of black women the author is talking about. There is something that I disagree with, though. I don't agree with your view that if black women wouldn't be without a man if they didn't act so independent and if they didn't act like they don't need any help. Have you ever thought that black women are "acting" this way because they know that they cannot depend on black men or anyone else to help them to get what they want? You may not have thought this way, but to me, it seems like you are falling for the whole stereotype of "black women give too much attitude" crap. The funny thing is that later in your post you talk about how black men play games and don't know what they really want. On one hand, they want a woman who thinks for herself, but on the other hand, they don't. Your rhetoric is confusing to me. You're saying that you want an intelligent sistah, but to me, you don't want one that is TOO intelligent. You want someone that is helpless so that you can come and save her. Perhaps I am being too harsh, and if I am, then I apologize, but don't blame black women for being without a man because they are too "independent. "If "independent"translates into being too educated or having too much self-esteem and self-worth, then so be it.
I'll be honest: I'm totally, absolutely CONFUSED about what Black men want. One day you'll hear them say they want an educated, not-too-clingy but not-too-independent woman, that's promiscuous with her man (only); then the next day you'll hear/read sentiments like the one in your post.
Personally, I think we as BLACK PEOPLE need to stop assuming that we are some robot-like monolith, all wanting the same thing. Just because one man may not want a woman that's too career-minded or educated, that's not what EVERY man wants.
I'm not even dating right now, but I try to get to know a person and what that particular person wants, and not go off of assumptions.
But you know what? Whereas I do find this to be somewhat true, Black men need to put in some work also. How about not giving up so quickly if a Black woman has some of these tendencies? How about communication? Tell your woman what you want and need and help her give that to you. It IS give and take, and that is from both parties.
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